Frank

Bad news in Beijing if you slurp your soup. Don't belch either. Or fart. Oops, strike that colloquial vulgarity. The PC term is "pass gas," but don't do that either. If you do, remember your manners and say: "Excuse me."

Welcome to Beijing. Now enjoy the Olympics. The Chinese capital's Civility Campaign aims to foster a better social environment, and that means minding your manners and being courteous to those around you.

Well, that shouldn't be hard, but for those prone to spitting (unsure if this includes athletes), sanitary bags for "civilized spitting" are available, otherwise please accept your 50 yuan fine ($6) and have a nice day. Ironic, considering that spitting is a favorite pastime in China, with some travelers describing in colorful terms how everyone hacks then leaves the ground covered in slimy spats.

But you've got to love courteous cops. Penalizing you with a smile then turning their backs to reserve the stern punishment for those pro-democracy rabble-rousers. Trouble is, how do you keep a lid on widespread torture of grassroots activists, censorship of the media, religious intolerance and, according to Human Rights Watch, repression of ethnic minorities in Tibet and Xinjiang? Then there's Amnesty International weighing in with criticisms of the Olympics being used as a catalyst to perpetuate detention without trial.

Yes, I can imagine it's hard for the Chinese government to maintain the façade of a good social environment while it spits on the rights of its citizens and the foreign press. The preoccupation with civility has become a farce - and in the past, a feast. Thousands of doves were released in cities as part of a beautification drive, but residents had no time for urban aesthetics and although I haven't tried it since I was a child, I believe dove is best served with sweet and sour sauce.

Now the civility campaign is once again a test for its citizens to impress the world with orderly conduct and good manners. But tough luck for some foreign visitors to Beijing's parks, who were said to be disappointed that they couldn't find benches to sit on, as they were all taken up by "men lying full-length, blissfully snoring the afternoon away."

Well, I wouldn't begrudge some hard-working citizens a bit of siesta in the sun. And perhaps, rather than venture out to the countryside, spending time in a park is better than milling about on Beijing's busy streets, especially when one considers the level of pollution in the city. That's of major concern to Olympic organizers who are said to have urged China to clean up its act. There's talk that some endurance events might have to be postponed because of the impact of the filthy air and clogged traffic.

Maybe that explains the hacking and spitting. Having lived near an oil refinery, I believe the daily sulphur dioxide emissions I was exposed to caused a number of allergies, an itchy palate being among them. The only relief I could get was by clucking my tongue, and then noisily clearing my throat.

I wonder how the manners minders would react if I did that in Beijing? Wave their batons with a disapproving nod of the head maybe. Then smile and tell me to have a nice day. And amidst the belching fumes, advise me not to pass gas.