A few months ago, Yahoo! Mail eliminated capacity limits for its free e-mail accounts. This means that users never have to delete another e-mail again, ever.
This also means that I have somehat less incentive to clean out the automated junk drawer in which literally dozens of useless spamages accumulate each day.
I find that Yahoo!'s spam filter is relatively adept, and generally does a fine job of diverting messages offering everything from a bigger penis, to a longer penis, to a harder penis, to giant goatball transplants into my "bulk mail" folder, where they can be perused at my leisure, keeping my "inbox" free for the truly important messages coming my way. Like, how to meet sexy singles in Lawrence. Or, how to meet sexy singles in Topeka. Or, how to meet…
Increasingly, the ol' bulk folder has been receiving about five messages a day from the "GTE Credit Union," urging me to renew my account, or verify my information, or approve a charge of some sort.
Dear GTE FCU Cardholder,This is your official notification from GTE FCU. Your online account has expired. If you want
to continue using our service you have to renew your online account. If not, your online account
will be deactivated and deleted.To continue click here, complete the renew form with your current
information.Many Thanks and Kind Regards - GTE Federal Credit Union Update Department
Which is all well and good, especially as I don't happen to have an account with this credit union.
At any rate, I thought it time to post a brief (and open) Dear J@hn note to my friends across the Web.
Dear Venerable Operators of the GTE Federal Credit Union That is in No Way Affiliated With the Actual GTE Credit Union, But Rather, Just a Bunch of Malicious Warts:
Look, I get it. I know it's nothing personal. You're probably just a couple of hard-working Nigerians, trying to raise enough money to bribe the officials to release your inheritance to free your sister to light the fire that spread the flame that burned the house that Jack built. Myself, I worked as a short-order cook at three different restaurants at a time to support my pot habit in the ‘90s. So I think we're pretty much on the same page.
But listen. The last 1,700 e-mails you've sent me haven't worked, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Really, we're just wasting each other's time. I say "each other's," because half the time, I actually follow your bullshit link, and fill in a bunch of bullshit information. If you've been wondering whose user-name is "FUCKYOU" and password is "ASSHOLES," well, the jig is up—it's me. Whew! That went a lot better than when I came out of the closet to my Dad!
I kid.
But seriously—this relationship isn't good for either of us. I'd say "it's not you, it's me"—but no; it's you. So hang it up, you phishing phucktards.
Sincerely,
FUCKYOU, Esq.
Albuquerque, NM
Note: This message rates a Robert Goulet Threat Level of: