Frank

Every Halloween I work at GSP/Corbin I'm always amazed by one thing – just how revealing girls' costumes are. Every year's costumes top the previous year's entries both in terms of skimpiness and shamelessness of the women wearing them. It's absurdity in its purest form.

I've seen "sexy" or "naughty" versions of nursery rhyme characters, Wizard of Oz characters, 80s cartoon characters, and, my personal favorite, bees – that's right, slutty bees. I'm not sure what the motivation is behind these costumes—if it's escapism, desire for attention, some need to fit in with what everyone else is wearing or a sense of one-upmanship. The last motivation would certainly explain each year's escalation.

What I do know after five years of slutty Wonder Women, cowgirls, Little Bo Peeps and Dorothy Gales is that it's possible to slut-ify any costume. With that in mind, here are some of my suggestions for slutty costumes yet to be taken advantage of and some potential catcalls that may result.

Letter carrier: Other public servants like cops and firefighters have been done to death. But the mail carrier profession has gone largely unnoticed. It's true, you can find pre-made costumes for this one, but what's the fun in that? Does a store-bought costume communicate the time, effort and dedication to slutifying a costume, that a homemade costume does? No. Of course not.
This costume is simple, all you need is a pair of short shorts, a blue button-up shirt that you can tie at the midriff and leave the top two buttons open for mandatory cleavage and a satchel bag to carry all of your packages.

Possible pick-up lines: "Will my package fit in there?" "You're my first-class priority."

Garbage woman: Another public service profession even more unnoticed, the garbage woman is also an easy fix. A simple jump suit, buttoned up halfway with a sports bra, tank top or something else semi-suggestive and there you go. Bonus points if you add short-shorts, a small trash can or strategically placed dirt.

Possible pick-up lines: "Nice cans." "I like trashy girls."

Zombie: I know, I know, "How do you make a zombie slutty?" Strategically placed rips in clothing, my friend, that's how. We traditionally think of the undead as being rotten, deteriorating corpses, but they don't have to be. Just make yourself look pale and sickly with makeup, then come up with a good backstory for how you died.

Possible pick-up lines: "It looks like you've got a little life left in you." "I'm dying to take you home." "Rigor mortis is starting to set in."

Deep Sea Fisherman: Waders. Tackle vest. Nothing else.

Possible pick-up lines: "You caught me." "You're the catch of my day." "If you're fishing for a man, I'm right here."

Naughty Amish: Women (or men's expectations of women) have been fetishizing Catholic dogma for years. There's the naughty Catholic schoolgirl and the naughty nun, but what about the naughty Amish? After all, just because they're old school doesn't mean they don't get down. All you need is homemade wool dress with a high hem and the top cut low. Then put your hair in a bun, find a bonnet and the job's done.

Possible pick-up lines: "You don't eat refined sugar? That's good. You're sweet enough." "Your barn or mine?"

That's all the costumes for now, but let's keep this going. If you can think of any other costumes ripe for parody, post them in the comments section. And in the coming week if I see any actual versions of these costumes or other honorable mentions I'll try to get pictures and post them here. Happy hunting.