Andrew Neubauer apologizes to the great state of Texas

I realize that the title of this blog is a tad bit fraudulent, especially given that I have absolutely no intention to apologize and am merely trying to lull the few people that do read my blog into a false sense of security.

SURPRISE!

This post will, instead of the aforementioned apology, be an enumeration of why my home state of Florida is so much better than Texas, aside from being 27th state to Texas' paltry 28th.  Why do I do this, you ask?

Because I am an evil, small, vindictive person.  I will use a lot of largely specious reasoning as well.  So lets get started.

1.  Florida, like Texas, does not levy a state tax on residents.  Texas is able to do this because of obscene oil wealth.  Florida does this because of the thousands of vacationers and old people who flock to the warmth and love of Florida.  You know who beat the communists? Old people.  You know who pays for terrorism? Oil people.

2.  Florida was discovered during the search for the Fountain of Youth, meaning only one thing.  The fountain is actually there and it gives people eternal youth.  How many youth fountains does Texas have? None.  Just lots of oil and dirt.  And oil pays for terrorism.

3.  Florida never once claimed it was better than the entire country!  Florida loves America and has proven time and time again to be an appropriately patriotic state.  Texas hates America and probably apple pie too.

4.  If Texas had the opportunity, it would totally punch your mother in the mouth.  Texas told me so.  Texas also thinks you look really stupid in that hat. That's right old friend. Texas hates your hat and won't even tell you.

5.  Saint Augustine is completely made out of shells, which is a totally rockin' feat of engineering.  The only feat of engineering Texas had was the bonfire at A&M that killed all those people.  Too soon? No, not soon enough.  The gloves are off, Texas.

Well, I hope this has been enlightening for you all, it certainly has for me.