In lieu of making any dramatic, sarcastic or deeply probing political statement this week, I've decided to probe the depths of the mind's infinite and make some predictions for the next few years. Do keep in mind that I am clairvoyant and there should be no doubt that all of the things I am about to mention will happen, plus or minus 20 minutes.
1/20/2009 - The Inauguration of our first African-American President, Barack Obama, will have a decidedly awkward tone when, in an interview, Vice-President Joe Biden infers that Obama is "packin'" (his words) a handgun in his belt. While this is merely a gaffe aimed at attracting NRA members to the Obama camp and not a commentary on blacks in America, it does reinforce the view that Biden has no real control of anything that comes out of his mouth. This is scientifically confirmed two months later.
9/18/2009 - Much to Donald Rumsfeld's shock, the International Court of Justice won't accept "it was a teensy goof" as a plausible defense against allegations of war crimes. He spends the rest of his life working off all the community service the ICJ pins on him.
5/3/2010 - Dick Cheney, sick of being viewed as a heartless, evil, egomaniacal madman, begins penning children's books and sing-along albums. Cheney's biggest hit is "Froo-froo Wuvvums and the Snuggly Wuggle Tree," a book about a small boy who finds love and redemption in hugging trees. The irony is said to be palpable.
3/13/2011 - Opting to be a bit more sexist and draconian than in previous years, the religious right pledges they will only give their support to the winner of a GOP mud-wrestling contest. Condoleezza Rice ultimately triumphs over Sarah Palin, and thus gets their mysterious and Mafioso-like blessing. Mike Huckabee, who starts strong, is disqualified for a "party foul" when he knocks over James Dobson's red cup of Natural Light beer.
6/23/2018 - Former Presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama team up for the big-budget buddy comedy "In da House." The film spends three weeks at number one in the box office, eventually supplanted by Karl Rove's indie darling, "Eyeball in the Sleep Eternal."
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