Dear Mister President,
For some time now, the Russian Federation has been governed by the manliest man on the planet: Vladimir Putin. He's jacked, he was a secret agent (albeit KGB), he saves his cameramen from tigers and now he has an instructional Judo DVD. I expect in his free time he gets into fist fights with wild bears a bathes with dish soap and brillo pads.
Now, you'd have to be extremely gullible to believe that some of the things Putin claims he did (read: saved his cameramen from tigers) weren't staged. The fact remains, though, that his popularity is ludicrously high.
Your job approval rating hit a new low last week, meaning you will probably leave office with your popularity on par with a middle schooler who doesn't bathe. In the spirit of love, compassion, and a sincere desire for our President to be cooler than Russia's, I've come up with a list of simple over-the-top things you could (cough) stage (cough) to help save your legacy before you leave office in January:
1. During a press conference in the Rose Garden, release a wild bull on the White House lawn. Proceed to wrestle it to the ground bare-handed.
What our President could be.
Poorly paint-ed by Andrew
2. Go on "WWE" and challenge none other than Hulk Hogan to a no-holds-barred cage match. Be sure to emphasize how feminine Hulk is compared to you.
3. Fly to Iraq and single-handedly/guns-blazingly beat the Mahdi Army, a la Rambo II.
4. Give Dick Cheney a spanking on national television.
5. Fly to Pluto, measure it, definitively prove that it is indeed a planet, then claim it in the name of America.
Any one of these simple tasks would, in my humble opinion, be enough to resurrect your public image. Heck, if you accomplish three or more we'd probably let you run for a third term.
Hugs and Kisses,
Andrew
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